You don't have the positive resources required to fight back this avalanche of difficulties which ruins your life, and in which you are struggling.
Perhaps, no one is willing to give you the help that's required and needed. Perhaps, nobody has ever tried to understand you and your problems, or choose not to get involved.
You feel so alone and are secluded from others. There's a saying; " you know who are your friends or family really are," when you are down and out.
You are at a roadblock and don't know which way, or who to turn to, and it blocks you from truly enjoying your life. But you know, you should take care of the present and most importantly of your future, if you knew how to seize it.
Consider all the consequences before you go ahead with your future plans. Do not conform or change yourself in accordance to what others want you to be. You need to value yourself. You deserve good in your life and to feel good about yourself.