Domestic violence.
Domestic violence is about the control of one human being, by another. This control begins with verbal abuse and is similar to mind control. Verbal abuse attacks one’s spirit and sense of self. Verbal abuse attempts to create self-doubt. "You don’t have a sense of humor," "You can’t take a joke," "You’re too sensitive." Very often the people who find themselves the target of controlling behaviours can’t comprehend that anyone would want to control them, so they try to be nice. This doesn’t work. Verbal abuse is a kind of violence that creates a deep emotional pain and mental anguish that can be immobilizing.
Emotional abusers are very insidious. Some of them are much harder to spot than others, because they mingle their abuse in between acts of generosity, and often employ emotionally manipulative tactics, and passive-aggressive behaviour. Not all emotional abusers overtly belittle, and verbally harangue their partners. Some are much more perfidious and as such, their partners may not realize that the source of their distress, and unease over the relationships has been coming from abuse for quite some time.
The longer a person remains under the grip of an emotional abuser, the more they will start to question themselves, your actions and your beliefs. It is the abuser’s goal to make you believe that you deserve this cruelty, and that only through your actions can you make it stop. It is their intent to get you to feel that you are the cause of any relationship problems, and that their abusive behaviour is simply a response to you and therefore acceptable. It is true that only through your actions, can you make it stop. You must have the courage to leave the relationship and avoid further contact with the abuser.
Abuse is not an accident. It does not happen because someone was stressed-out, drinking, or using drugs. Abuse is an intentional act that one person uses in a relationship to control the other. Abusers have learned to abuse so, that they can get what they want. The abuse may be physical, sexual, emotional and psychological.
Following are types of emotional abuse.
DOMINATION: Someone wants to control your every action. They have to have their own way, and will resort to threats to get it. When you allow someone else to dominate you,
you can lose respect for yourself.
VERBAL ASSAULTS: berating, belittling, criticizing, name calling, screaming, threatening, excessive blaming, and using sarcasm and humiliation. Blowing your flaws out of proportion and making fun of you in front of others. Over time, this type of abuse erodes your sense of self confidence and self-worth.
The other person places unreasonable demands on you, and wants you to put everything else aside to tend to their needs. It could be a demand for constant attention, frequent sex, or a requirement that you spend all your free time with the person. But no matter how much time you give, it’s never enough. You are subjected to constant criticism and you are constantly berated because you don’t fulfill all this person’s needs.
When it comes to emotional blackmail, the other person plays on your fear, guilt, compassion, values, or other “hot buttons” to get what they want. This also includes threats to end the relationship, the “cold shoulder” or use other fear tactics to control you.
Abusers, physical or emotional are abusive because of their own self-hate and internal issues, and not because of anything their partner did. No amount of work or attempting to please will stop an abuser from abusing. They have to be willing to recognize and actually work on their own issues before, they can stop inflicting cruelty on the people who love them. In many cases, they don't even love their partners, because they can't even love themselves, and don't feel that they deserve love, even though they crave it.
Abusers may genuinely feel bad that they committed another act of abuse, not because they have any real compassion for the person they hurt, but because they get angry at themselves for "screwing up" again. This drives them further into self-loathing, and further into a cycle of abusive behaviour.
Often an abuser will appear to have a dual personality. Most of the time he/she is nice and considerate, and then he/she can quickly switch to a cruel person, who makes demeaning comments. They become enraged when he/she doesn’t listen to your advice, when he/she doesn’t know where you are at all times, or when he uses drugs or alcohol. Some abusers suffer from severe depressions. When an abuser expresses remorse and begs for forgiveness, it keeps his partner in the relationship.
If, you are like many who find themselves in abusive relationships, you may make excuses for them or somehow feel you are to blame. They 'love you really,' or they are 'under a lot of pressure from work'. They make excuses: 'You know I don't mean it!' Or: 'I'm just trying to help!' Or: 'No one could ever love you like I do!' These manipulations can get under your
skin, but the fact is abusive behaviour is abusive however it is wrapped up.
If you are being abused, you need to know: abuse often gets worse over time. You cannot control the abuser's behaviour. You do not deserve to be abused. You are not to blame for the violence or the threats. You have a right to live without fear. You have the right to a safe, healthy relationship and to have your own life.
There are ways to protect yourself: tell someone you trust what is happening to you. Ask others for help if you need it. If someone is hurting you or threatening you, or if it is not safe for you where you are, call the police. Find out more community resources about your options to take care of your financial security and personal needs. You need to make a safety plan in case you have to leave quickly.
The following are “your rights.” You have the right to your own opinions and to express them and be taken seriously. You have the right to earn and control your own money. To ask questions about anything that affects your life. To make decisions that affects you. To grow and change and that includes changing your mind. You have the right to say NO. You have the right to control your own life and to change it, if you are not happy with it, as it is. You have the right to “freedom” and to set yourself free from being abused.
Life-Changing Decisions by Author Julia G. Smith
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