Child Abuse.
Most troubled families, abuse and neglect are permitted; but talking and exposing the truth is “forbidden.”
The more dysfunctional the family is, the more inappropriate their response to disclosure. It becomes a
family secret!
“The adults” were in that power position because they were “the adults” and a "child victim" had no “voice”
of defense. That meant to them that “the adults” were right and a "child victim" was wrong. On top of the
abuse and neglect, denial heaps more hurt upon the child, by requiring the child to alienate himself or
herself from reality, and his or her own experience.
There are three primary reactions to abuse: despair, anger and recognition. It is important to know that
with recognition comes relief. You realize that many problems are a reflection of your abuse. With despair
you may be devastated, when you see all the ways, it has affected your life. You become angry when
you realize, your life has been ravaged by someone else’s mean and selfish act.
Do you ever notice feelings of trying to escape? Feelings like you "deserve" to escape your feelings such
as anxiety, fear or self-hate? The root of this desire to escape is in not being taken care of as a "child victim
of abuse." It comes from being pushed aside and not protected. When that feeling comes up, self-care is
very important. Listen to yourself and find out what you need to do.
Survivors of ANY and ALL abuse become very good at anticipating moods of others, looks, actions, all of it
in an effort to survive. Believing that if they can be agreeable, be compliant and loving, do things how
they want that they will be safe. This becomes their way of life.
So often survivors have had their experiences denied, trivialized, or distorted. Writing is an important
avenue for healing because it gives you the opportunity to define, your own reality. You can say:
This did happen to me and it was that bad. It was the fault of “the adult” who abused me. The responsibility
of “the adult” was to protect me for harm.
By not standing up for themselves when it is appropriate, many survivors damage their self-esteem.
They become angry and ashamed of themselves for putting up with inappropriate behaviour. The more
they put up with, the worse they feel. Soon, they begin to believe they don’t have a right to complain
and convince themselves, they are making a big thing out of nothing.
You may be operating from the belief that you must do everything yourself because no one will ever be
there for you. Or you may think that if you never speak up, you’ll avoid being rejected. Both these fears
no longer apply to you TODAY, as an adult. If you never reach out for help, you will continue to
deprive yourself. The power is in your hands and through your voice.
If you’ve been taking care of other people and saying “yes” all your life, you may encounter some
angry resistance when you start to say “no.” People may say you were nicer before. They may say
you’re being selfish, that they prefer the “old” you. On the other hand, you might find that your honesty
and clarity is respected by friends and decent people, who are glad that you are finally taking care of yourself.
Others may reinforce the child’s feeling of shame, by laying blame or simply by failing to help. Telling a
parent about abuse may be met with denial, or accusations that the child is lying, has a dirty mind or
is responsible for whatever happened. Some parents may know about or even witness episodes of abuse.
By failing to intervene, they tacitly participate, leaving the child feeling abandoned, worthless,
violated, bewildered and a “victim of abuse.”
What are the legal implications of this for instance, if someone finds a perpetrator from the past, who
hasn't actually been convicted or charged? How does that work? Do you need the legal system to be able
to confront this person with their actions?
Many survivors have trouble believing their perceptions, senses and feelings. You may doubt your
intuitions and fail to trust your own instincts. You may not be connected to the inner gauge that tells you,
how you feel about what’s going on around you. This lack of self-awareness is a direct result of child
sexual abuse.
To every surviving victim of abuse, you don’t have to be perfect to be lovable. You don’t have to be perfect
to be wonderful, successful and strong. So stop trying to be perfect and start accepting yourself. Accept
your flaws, as well as your positive attributes, your dark side as well as your light side.
Family isn’t always blood. It is the people in your life who want you in theirs; the ones who accept you for
who you are. The ones who would do anything to see you smile, happy and who love you no matter what.
We are responsible to and for each other, we are a team.
Life-Changing Decisions by Author Julia G. Smith
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